Myth – the “grey area”, these “blurred lines”:
A myth that we often hear is the ‘grey area’ surrounding consent. Consent is not grey, but incredibly black and white. The idea that there is a ‘grey area’ or ‘blurred lines’ (shout out to Robin Thicke for one of the ““most controversial songs of the decade”) encourages people to engage in sex, even when they’re not sure the other person, or persons, want to. If we are having sex, and we get even the slightest idea that the other person does not (or cannot) consent – for whatever reason – we must stop. Having sex without consent is rape. And the weight of surviving rape, or sexual assault, is heavy. There is no ambiguity for survivors, living with that pain is all too real.
As well as this, once someone has consented to sex – they can change their mind at any time. How long does it take to pick something to eat on a food menu? We can be in the mood for one thing, see something else and change our minds. Why are we allowed so much choice with our diet, but the concept of changing our minds about sex is so hard to grasp?
Does this sound scary? Some people think that sex used to be simple, that porn was pretty straight-forward and now all this talk of consent has complicated the process, sucked the fun and spontaneity out of it. Well… no. Consent is reinventing what is sexy. It’s the base that we build sex on. A base made up of mutual trust and respect. Sexual consent isn’t the killer of kinks or fetishes; it makes them more enjoyable with safe words and spaces. CONSENT IS SEXY – and always has been. Tell all your friends. Shout it from your apartment window. Get it tattooed on your forehead. Do whatever the hell you want and change your mind 100 times on the way there – because that’s our right as human beings!
*ok deep breath*
We just can’t say it enough – sexual consent is KEY. It’s everything. It’s not a myth (like the clitoris) (kidding) – it’s essential. Not a blurred line or grey area.
Here are some ways of asking for consent:
- Do you want to have sex?
- Are you sure you’re ready for this?
- Do you just want to cuddle?
- How do you want it?
Try these out and find your way with it when/if you have sex – we promise all parties will appreciate it.
STIs and slip-ups
Another way of engaging in safe sex is by using protection. That can be protection from Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) or unplanned pregnancies, in the form of contraception or celibacy. Whatever way we choose to protect ourselves (and for whatever reason), it’s important to remember that slip-ups can happen.
According to the World Health Organization, “More than 1 million sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are acquired every day worldwide, the majority of which are asymptomatic.”[1] And those numbers might scare some of us, but they also remind us that catching an STI isn’t as isolating as it may feel at first. The majority of STI’s, when found early, are manageable. And the best way to get ahead of them is by getting checked regularly.
Myths
- “You can’t get an STI if you only have oral sex” – False. STIs can be transmitted through oral sex as well as penetrative.
- “A condom is 100% effective in protecting you from catching an STI” – False. Although condoms help lower the risk, they are never 100% effective. This is because condoms can break or may not always cover the infected areas.
- “Only dirty people get STIs” – False. Like any infection or illness, STIs don’t discriminate. We are all susceptible. We could all catch one. If you are reading this and have contracted an STI before, you know how scary it can be. But you also know how the right support can drastically help. Once we get rid of the stigma that surrounds STIs then we can start the healing process – both physically and emotionally.
[1] https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sexually-transmitted-infections-(stis)