You know that one person that lights up any room that’s seemingly brimming with self-confidence? Or that friend that can chat up anyone? Their appeal is so alluring, yet so mysterious. What do they have that we don’t?
Author: Lily Smith
Welcome to the Tinder-century world of dating. It’s full of swipes, likes and different relationship types (yes, we’re proud of that rhyming pattern). Whether you’re dating one person, a few, or your relationship is open – dating can be a battlefield. But online dating? Lordy, it’s psychological warfare out there! Are we being dramatic? YES. But love is full of drama. And no matter how much people moan, a lot of us will download that app one more time. Maybe for a quick confidence booster on a lonely Tuesday night, a saucy Saturday shag-fest or for one last crack at finding our soulmates. For dating tips and tricks as a student, check out our blog here.
But what happens when it doesn’t go to plan? (Which is 95% of the time). What about when you’ve had a lovely time, but they stopped texting back? Or maybe your date didn’t play out
the way you thought it would, but you can’t bring yourself to tell them that you’re not into them…
That’s where the ghosting begins.
Ghosting is the new side-effect of this Tinder-era of dating. And boy is she a doozy. Ghosting is a unique blend of actively ignoring someone whilst subtly rejecting them. Sometimes you don’t realise you’ve been ghosted until it’s too late. Sometimes you can tell a ghoster a mile-off. And from time to time, you become a ghost yourself, all because you didn’t want to let someone down. The irony!
So let’s take a dive into the world of ghosting
Types of Ghosting
This one is so brutal that we almost respect it. Could this be the best out of a bad bunch? This type of ghoster is the one who all of a sudden ends all communication. Did they die? Are they in prison? Were they a figment of your imagination? The list of unanswered questions that we are left with is ever-growing. Sometimes this can be a clear sign that they are not the one and if it’s done early then you can be left feeling grateful that it happened. But sometimes this can happen after you’ve invested your time and energy into someone. Maybe you had an idea in your head and started to become vulnerable with this person. Maybe they ghosted you after you had sex with them for the first time. This type of ghosting is brutal because of the void it can leave, with no explanation or closure. If being a student wasn’t hard enough, now we have to deal with this sh*t?!
Also known as ‘slow ghosting’. Instead of a straight-up ghoster, this one is a lot slower but no less painful. An example of this type of ghosting is being left on read for hours before they reply. Then the responses take days and then a week or two goes by. When they do eventually stop responding altogether you’ve already been 90% ghosted, so what’s another 10%?
Breadcrumb ghosting / Haunting
A similar approach to soft ghosting but a bit more complex. This ghosting approach is when someone gives you breadcrumbs, an ample amount to keep you interested, but not enough to feel secure in the relationship. An example of this could be little to no contact and then a sudden burst of interaction when they’re bored one Friday night. Or you think you’ve been straight-up ghosted and then suddenly, they’re blowing up your phone again. That is where the ‘haunting’ aspect comes into play. They’re gone but somehow still here? It’s a weird one.
Help, I’m a ghoster!
You might recognise one (or all) of the ghosting techniques above, as methods you’ve used when dating. If so, don’t worry. We don’t behave perfectly all the time. We make mistakes, we get hurt and we hurt others. But if you’re reading this, maybe you’re starting to notice a pattern in your behaviour that you’d like to stop repeating.
It sometimes seems a lot easier to ignore someone, rather than explaining that you’re not interested. Being a ghoster is usually associated with feelings of anxiety rather than outright nastiness. But that doesn’t matter to the person being ghosted – the outcome is still the same.
If you feel yourself leaning towards ghosting as avoidance then remind yourself: ignoring your problems may seem easier, but it’s not fair. Not only do you have the right to change your mind/not be interested/simply say no, the other person has a right to know where they stand with you. If someone gets angry with you because you don’t feel a connection – that’s not on you. We promise you, 99% of the time your honesty will be appreciated whereas your ghosting will not be.
Help, I’ve been ghosted!
Firstly, we hope you’re ok! Rejection of any kind is tough pill to swallow. It can evoke an array of emotions with the root of it being that you’re hurt. So what’s important now is focusing on yourself. You can’t control the behaviour of others, but you can control how you deal with it. Firstly, remind yourself that this isn’t about how you look, what you wear or who are you are. You could be the juiciest peach in all the land… some people just don’t like peaches. In a world full of comparison, try to remember that you’re always enough!
So instead of tearing your self-worth to shreds, why don’t you celebrate yourself. So they weren’t the one for you? You know that you’re worth the world and more and that this form of rejection does not define you. Cook yourself your favourite dinner, go walk to your favourite viewpoint or re-watch your favourite series for the 50th time. No one loves you better than you can and don’t you forget it.
So dear reader… we’ve reached the end. We really do hope you don’t ghost or get ghosted again. And if you do, we hope you remember this blog hidden away in this small corner of the internet, solely dedicated to your mental, social and physical wellbeing. Being in a new country can be lonely, so making new connections is important, we get it! As always, put your mind in a hammock but remember to take care of the minds, bodies, and hearts of others too.
More To Explore
Let’s be honest: student dating is a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster that some of us love to ride, or one that we never want to get on again. That being said, most of us will give dating a go at some point or another. For students who want to start dating, we’ve got one question for you: do you believe in love at first swipe? Punny. Now let’s get started…